The three loves of my life were never my boyfriend…

My first love, persued me and when I gave in and was under his spell he backed away slowly. He got me wrapped up in him. When I told him I loved him, he said, “You dont love me, you don’t know what real love is.” That was disturbing, how could you tell me I don’t know what im feeling?! But I was naive, because as much as I loved him, I couldnt see that he didnt love me. We did everything a couple would do….travel, shop, dates, sex, have fun etc. But every chance he got I was reminded we weren’t in a relationship. Though everyone around thought we were.I guess reality shoulda hit when he met someone else. Shitty thing is I loved him still. Naive young lady going on dates with her fwb and his girlfriend. Tsss.
Then he proposed, and that did it. I freaked. I left the island, I couldn’t handle it. With no one to talk to because no one would understand how I felt and why I stayed for as long as I did. 

My second love, he contacted me online, his picture didn’t do him justice. We talked though, but I wasn’t trying to take him seriously. We finally met years later and thats when I was more focus on him. We went out a few times. Shortly after we both decided that weekends would be our time. Weekends we stayed in, watch movies, played video games, order food, pizza most times. It was good. We got along, we gelled. Then one day he told me he was in a long distance relationship (that hurt).But he wanted to be with me. Like love #1, we were seen every where together. We continued this fwb relationship for awhile and then he just disappeared. I was depressed for sometime about that.

My third love, I met online as well. Video chat a few times, then finally linked up one day. I would go by him and chill, eventually found myself sleeping over and getting comfortable not realizing that he was just going with it. One day he told me he met someone and she was coming to live with him. I cried my eyes out, in the front of him, I couldn’t hold the tears back. 

We remained in contact, and finally with time, seemed to be on the same level. So friends we were. Then the more we stayed friends and talked about his relationship issues, my surpressed feelings weren’t being so surpressed. 
Fast forward to us living together. My feelings on over drive. Another fwb, another constant reminder we aint in a relationship. How do I keep getting here. I told him I love him, he said “Loving me is bad for your emotional health“. 
What is wrong with me?! 

My first love came back to me, begging, apologizing but he is very much married. My second love reappeared and came back begging and apologizing and he is also very married. And im scared. Im having depression outbreaks cause my third love is going to get married. 

Like why cant they get it right before getting married. Why get married to realize I love you sincerely or you love me. 
My third love, we argue, we have fun, we play game, we chill. But im not his hearts desire. And I cant bring my self to face this again. I dont know how to leave him alone. But I know I have to, I know it’s best for me, for my health. I wish him well, like I did the rest. Its time for me to look out for me. I can see where this is going, so im jumping out in front of it. It won’t be easy but it has to be done.